There is a fabulous scene in the 1999 film “American Beauty” in which Annette Bening’s character Carolyn Burnham – an estate agent who feeds herself all day with positivity mantras from the self- help industry to mask her total lack of self esteem – has a brief, private meltdown after failing to make a sale.
Alone in an empty house, she starts to cry and as she cries, she berates herself for her “weakness”, physically slapping herself and screaming at herself over and over again, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut Up!”
Within seconds, she stops crying, dries her tears, smooths her clothes and walks back into her world where appearance and image are everything and fearful walls have been built around that image to protect it from anything as chaotic as real feeling and emotion.
Bening’s character is modelling the “inner shut up” – the dominatrix that demands you suck it up, push it down, pull yourself out of it…do whatever it takes to make sure your inner experiences go unregarded and your real self, completely disrespected. Using the double poison of self repression and happy-clappy, manufactured positivity, she ironically casts a spell of bitter unhappiness on herself and all the others in her life.
How would you react if I suggested to you that every day it is likely you are investing a lot of energy in repressing and silencing yourself?
That the exhaustion and fragmentation you feel at the end of the day comes not from what you have experienced that day, but from what you haven’t allowed yourself to feel?
It is so easy to push ourselves and our feelings and reactions aside unconsciously, to overlook ourselves or, even worse, deliberately slap ourselves when we begin to feel our own self-expression rising up within us. There are all kinds of reasons why we do this: we often encode values at a very long age – values we have been given by schools, churches or critical parenting. We may have a deep fear of being seen to be “weak” by those around us; fear of being our real selves and thinking it better to project an image of someone stronger, better, more successful.
The trouble is, it backfires. No one likes to be hit. No one likes to be told to shut up. Imagine someone in your life were doing that to you all day, every day. How would you feel?
Pretty downtrodden, sad, lost and wounded, I would think.
Also, that which goes down, must come up. And sometimes it comes up at times and in ways we wish it wouldn’t – when we lash out at loved ones, snap at our kids, when our bodies get sick from all the slap-wounds and all the blocked energy of repressed feelings.
Every time we say to ourselves “I am wrong to think this”, “I shouldn’t indulge in this feeling”, “I can’t think about this now”, “I need to get over this and get on with it”, we are giving ourselves the slap down. And it is true, there are times in life when it is necessary and appropriate to park things. If you are a doctor about to perform brain surgery, you want to keep your mind focussed on the task. If you are driving a car, you don’t want to be drifting off into warm, fuzzy daydreams, you want to have your eye on the road.
But at some point, there has to be time to catch up with yourself fully, to play the full inner drama, to relish in every emotional connection you have made to life.
This is how we human beings have been designed for healing. We are meant to digest, process, experience, feel and heal.
This is where meditation is our biggest support, our therapeutic space, our perfect “me time”, our birthright healing space.
The danger is, that we may have got so used to avoiding and shifting away from our thoughts and feelings, that we bring this unconscious attitude into meditation. We may feel automatic shame or guilt when we have thoughts we think we are “not supposed to have” while meditating. When intense feelings and emotions rise up, we may try to escape them by deliberately turning our attention away from them onto something else – be it the sound of Om or a vision of emptiness. Meditation can be used as medication – as an anaesthetic – just like any other drug or disinfectant.
All those myths about “mind chatter”, “monkey minds” and “inner stillness” can dangerously impede the natural rhythm and flow of meditation. The inner shut up can actually stop us from meditating and subvert meditation itself into a place for control and discipline – the inner slap.
Your meditation thrives in the sacred space of your most tender, most open and curious and compassionate attention.
It can take a little patience and self- tolerance to cultivate an inner embrace and welcome all of yourself in meditation, but let me tell you, it is worth everything. Imagine being liberated from that constant inner put down. Imagine being able to live your life in a relaxed, easeful flow, experiencing the most intense things in life and the most ordinary, with an expansive and life-affirming field of awareness. Imagine being IN your body and soul, not parted from them. Imagine being IN your life, not separate from it.
I take my “catch up time” in a series of brief pauses throughout the day. As a busy working mother, this is has great efficacy and potency for keeping in touch with myself, and feeling healthy and inspired. As soon as I wake up, I spend five minutes allowing whatever is calling my attention to come forward. I have a “bring it on” attitude. Fragments of dreams mix with the motor of the to-do-list and hum in and out of concerns, tensions, anticipation and desires. It is like tuning up an engine before you start the car. I also bring in my own spiritual practices – prayers and protections for me and my loved ones. During the day, I can take breaks to pause and feel the touch of life on me. Anything from a moment’s trance or daydream to simply enjoying the touch of sunlight on my skin, the sound of bird calls or a song I like, the taste of my favourite tea.
If you feel you only have time to “come together with yourself” – to meditate – once in your day, my top tip is to make it at that time you transition from your action phase into your resting-and-unwinding phase. For many people, this means when you enter your home (or your commuter train or your walk to your house) after your day at work. Sit or lie somewhere alone, or take a walk, and begin to feel your whole being relax. As tension unwinds from you, you will feel it, so let it be felt fully. Remnants of unfinished conversations, moments of success and triumph, concerns, insights, plans – let them all come out to play and dance, process, communicate, meet and dissolve. Your nervous system loves this. It is in this way, your exquisitely wired inner healing system does its work. And let me tell you, it is worth the sacrifice your loved ones may need to make to wait five or ten minutes to tell you about THEIR days, for you to spend time catching up with yours. That way, everyone is happy and no one gets asked to shut up.
The link to the American Beauty scene is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt0rz5iPuaA
For more on meditations to suit the rhythm of your day, I recommend Dr Lorin Roche’s wonderful little book “Meditation 24-7”
You can download glorious, short guided meditations from this book, here: https://radiance-sutras.bandcamp.com/album/meditation-24-7
If you are interested in learning more about a delicious practice in which you can reunite with yourself at the deepest soul-level and which is massively practical for modern lives as well as deeply spiritual, my next Instinctive Meditation Workshop is in Brisbane on 29th August. More info here https://www.facebook.com/events/1023100621043196/
Thank you to my mentor Dr Lorin Roche for alerting me to this scene from American Beauty and the great discussion which followed.
